WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH KOSHER

GENTILE FRIEND
So the way I understand it, devout Jews are not able to mix meat and dairy on the same plate. WHY??

SARCASTIC JEW
Well, In the time of King David, he had two lesser known brothers who were the only farmers in the land. Prince Morris who was the Diary Farmer and Prince Schmule who owned a cattle farm. Prince Morris was quite the philanderer and would fuck everything in the land. He was Prince and he needed to sow his wild kasha . Prince Schmule was the good brother and married the Princess Esther and they were next in line for the throne.

Morris was jealous of Schmule and wanted the throne, so he seduced Esther and she got pregnant. And since Morris had the heir, he became King (after David) Schmule waged a holy war that lasted over 15,000 years. - They vowed never to be in the same room. Thus you were never allowed to eat Milk with Meat. If you did, that meant that you supported whoever the opposite of whose party it was. To this day there are two types of Jews. The Milk Jews. (Which the Meat Jews called the Duds - Hence the name of the candy) and the Meat Jews (Which the Milk Jews just called assholes) and you can see the animosity at every dinner table when the two are mixed.

So now you can't eat both of them together. - TRUE STORY

What's with the Nasally Voice?

Gentile Friend:

Why is it that most of the Jewish people that I have met, have very nasaly voices? Whats with the nasal??

Sarcastic Jew:

The nasal voice is actually from after the Jews wandered in the desert for 40 years. They were in the schvitz and they of course were complaining to Moses, "Why does it have to be so hot? I don't know if I can take it if it's going to be this hot. You don't have a drink of water or an ice cube for me to suck on, do you? What's with this heat? My lips are all chaffed and I have a rash. And oy, my feet. You couldn't pick a nicer place for use to go to?" Where upon Moses replied, "Would you rather be in bondage, you should have it so lucky." But the Hebrews (they weren't Jews yet - but that's another story) weren't convinced. Moses then gave them a choice. "Look you can come with me to the promised land, (not Isreal yet - I think it was called Bagallia) or you can go straight to Flushing, (pronounced then Floo - shink) which in those times meant - go to Hell. - All of the Jews that didn't want to stay in Bagallia went to New York and founded a place called Flushing. Soon all the Hebrews, getting ill from the weather change (You see the desert is a dry heat) ended up getting all stopped up nasally and would talk in the same nasal voice you hear today. Flushing still stands today in Queens, NY

THE MAGIC OF 8 DAYS

Gentile Friend:

Whats with you people and the magic of 8 days....first the oil, now the fish. What is so magical about the # 8???

Sarcastic Jew:

Well,

Mobius (The Jewish philospher, part-time exotic dancer) liked to sit and drink and work on his philosophy, when the Krepel, a delicious priest wrapped in a white flour shawl came up to him one day and wanted him to perform some exotic dancing services (he needed to pay the bills, philosophy just didn't do it - just like today).

Well, Mobius was working on his one of his infinity theories and he didn't really want to be distacted, so he performed for the krepel, but his mind was somewhere else. When he was done, he notices that he had twisted his garments when he was putting them on. Thinking of his infinity theory and the twisted garment after his Mobius Striptease he came up with the symbol for infinity which of course is a sideways 8. Thus Jews are fascinated with the number 8 and philosophers are fascinated with the Mobius Strip.

True story - don't dispute me.

Yum Kipper

Gentile Friend:

Happy YOM KIPPUR (did I spell that correctly?)


Sarcastic Jew:

Thank you...

No you didn't It's Yum Kipper - it dates back to when the Jews didn't have any food to eat in the desert after being exiled from Egypt, and God gave them one salt fish to Moses (The main Jew at the time - Like Spielberg today) to share amongst all the Jews. Moses of course asked. "What am I supposed to do with one salt fish? And maybe a little schmaltz to go with it?" (I'm paraphrasing)

But that one salt fish seemed to last them eight days (it should have lasted them like two people for one meal, unless you are my grandmother who could make it last 21 days and feed three families and still have the bones left over for fish soup) but God provided. The youngest son of Moses - Bagel (pronounced Bay-gul) turned to his dad and said " Papa, where did you get that yummy kipper?" and Moses said. "God provided." Of course Bagel responded, "What no schmaltz?" (I may be paraphrasing again)

Of course over the years it's been shorted, but every year every good Jew takes part in the Kipper Festival where they dress like and eat fish and tell tall-tales and drink to our hearts content. Only after we have fasted underwater (like the Jews in the desert) then we eat the fish. The thing is (I'm sure you knew) Jesus was Jewish, and the Jesus fish comes from Yum Kipper.

:)